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Blog #23: How to deal with rejection after a third date (Howie)

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by in Sex & Dating
June 25, 2018 0 comments

“She said she’s not looking for anything serious,” Howie says.  He’s hardly looking at the video camera.  I’m sitting in Oregon, trying to take notes.  He’s sitting in San Francisco, ignoring his puppy, who is trying to jump on his lap.  He’s obviously doing something else that isn’t talking to me.  His eyes keep shifting away onto his computer screen.

Howie is dejected because he’s gone on three dates with a woman he’d met on Bumble.  She’d messaged him first (bc that’s how Bumble works), and they’d gone on a first date: Happy Hour.  For their second date, they’d gone to watch some live music at a bar.  Kissed.  The third time, he’d picked her up after she’d gone out with her friends, and they’d gone for ice cream.  Then they’d slept together.

After that, he’d sent her a stuffed teddy bear through a charity fundraiser.  She’d called him to say thank you.  Also to ask why he’d sent it.

When he said he’d just thought of her, she’d told him what he is now depressed over– that she’s not looking for anything “serious.”

Well, sucky as it is, she saved them both time.  She gets bonus points.

“She’s not someone I’d be interested in as a friend if we’re not dating,” Howie tells me.  I double-take.  He’s still spacing out in his pajamas, sitting at his computer.  He’s definitely playing a video game.

“What do you mean?” I ask carefully.  Howie repeats himself.  I keep my opinions to myself.  It seems like he’s maybe crossed the fine line from, “I have relationship standards,” into, “I’ll settle for you because I hate being lonely.”

Howie absentmindedly pets his puppy.  He explains that she had qualities he was willing to overlook in a relationship, but now he’s thinking they’re not compatible.  They’re too opposite: she’s an extrovert; he’s an introvert.  She likes cats; he has a dog. She likes the outdoors; he likes the indoors.

“She says that I’m really sweet and she doesn’t understand why women wouldn’t want to date me.  She doesn’t get she’s part of the problem, because she’s a woman who doesn’t want to date me.”

This makes sense.  But, I’m pretty this is meant to be taken as a compliment and chalked up to bad timing.  She’s just come out of a 7 year relationship, after all.

So, he doesn’t want to be her friend?

“I’m over it.  I need to move on,” he says.  He’s being self-aware.  He says it’s not healthy for him to hang onto hope in a friendship.  He says he needs to just let it all go.  I respect that.

My heart goes out to him for a moment.  I’ve been single and enjoying my new freedom.  But, a part of me also misses the life where a great love anchors you to the world.  Never having dated someone longer than a few months in his life, Howie has never experienced this great love.

Everyone should experience it, at least once.

But, if she doesn’t want to experience it with him…. she has only helped him to move forward and find the person who does.  There are 7 billion people in the world, Howie — there is someone out there for you.

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Each post is a great fucking adventure

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