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Blog #28: Actually, nobody wants to be James Bond

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February 19, 2019 0 comments

11:33pm, 10:08am, 7:01pm, 3:11am, 7:43am, 2:47pm, 9:51am.

It’s been 2.5 days, and KJ has texted me 7 times already. I can’t keep up. Even my close friends, I text on a weekly basis. I’m leaving him on “read” now.

“That’s so basic,” I said to KJ on a video call last week. He’d frowned, confused. “Yea, basic guys just try to hit on me,” I told him. In the manner we’ve developed, I’m making sarcastic jokes to make a point. “Everything you’re saying is so basic. Be different, KJ. Be my friend.”

Now, after the 7th barrage of texts comes my way, KJ writes, “I lied…. I can’t stay away, no matter how much you push me away.”

I’m realizing now, for all the fucking he does… that KJ is really, really lonely.

Now, even after I’m telling him I can’t keep up his speed of communication, KJ is back to texting or video-calling me every few hours.

Noona, pay attention to me!”

And most recently: “I’m closer and closer to falling in love with you.”

I am certifiably annoyed.

When I started this project, I’d failed to consider this gem: if I am looking for a romantically or sexually aggressive, douchebag-type guy to interview, he will not see me as “exempt” from his game.

Furthermore, since my job is to ask questions and listen politely, I put people in a unique situation where they receive endless attention from someone (me) who is acting like she cares. [To my credit, I genuinely do care. To my discredit, I wouldn’t listen to some of these guys rambling on without the writer’s motivation.]

In short, in writing all this, I’ve created a fast track to making a single man feel special.

After all, aren’t the rules of being a good dater the same as being a good interviewer? Listen carefully, ask questions of personal interest, walk in with some background info on the topic at hand, and stay openminded, not judgmental.

“I’m closer and closer to falling in love with you”? I sigh and video call KJ from the floor of my home. He answers from a benchpressing bench at the gym. Behind him are racks of weights and a few muscled guys lifting. He’ll call me back in an hour from his car.

When he does, I tell him I need him to stop the flirtation.

“I’m not serious,” he protests dismissively.

“I don’t care,” I say emphatically.

“Why does it bother you?” KJ side eyes me through the phone camera.

“It bothers me because then I can’t get to know you,” I explain patiently. “You’re not being yourself. We’re spending our time with you hitting on me, instead of you telling me something meaningful about your day.”

This seems to strike a chord. Okay. Done.

“Why don’t you call me back on time?” he wants to know.

I tell him, very undiplomatically, that I have a lot of people to text and call. I don’t have a lot of time so I have to pace myself with everyone. I explain to him that I’m a 1x/week person, not a 1x/day type. I explain to him that, anyway, I’ve become cool with many of my interviewees, and view them as friends, but I catch up with them every few weeks / every few months.

KJ looks visibly hurt. He frowns and looks away. He looks back at the street he’s driving on. He looks at me through his camera.

“Wait, so you’re only talking to me because you’re writing about me?” he asks, confused.

Suddenly, I feel terrible. Even though the reasons for us talking were clear from the start, clearly, our conversation had made us better friends. Regardless, KJ is still someone I am interviewing, and I keep my personal boundaries intact.

“Well, I am talking to you because yes, I am writing about you,” I start. He looks horrified. I rush in quickly: “But I also really like talking to you. I just need slower communication.”

The damage is done.

“I thought…. I just considered that…” KJ starts, but can’t finish his sentence. I try to bandage up the conversation.

“I do like talking to you,” I insist honestly. “I do. I am also writing about you.”

KJ says he has to go shortly after this.

Over the next few days, I don’t hear from him.

I’ve been observing slowly that people who sleep around are desperate for love. Especially men. Women, we get to hold our female friends hands and hug each other without a vice grip between us.

Cis-men, it’s like, they’re totally lost about how to get intimacy outside of sex or a girlfriend. Male friendships are like that party where the freshest new music is playing, but nobody wants to be the first to dance. So they all stand around and stare at each other, pretending that’s more fun than doing what they really want. Except replace “dancing” with the “desire to really talk and get to know each other, and hug each other like real people.”

So, what happens? KJ fucks five women per weekend, but our interview conversation was his first heartfelt conversation in forever. And so to me, KJ is just another chill interviewee I like talking to. Whereas, to him, I am the rare friend he could see himself falling in love with.

In short:

Finding sex is easy. Finding and expressing love is hard. Also, honestly, who really wants to be James Bond? That man was lonely as fuck.

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Each post is a great fucking adventure

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