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Blog #1: How a penis portrait helped me write this first blog post

aka: dick pics pave my spiritual journey

Each post is a great fucking adventure

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May 25, 2017 0 comments

My Facebook inbox pinged at me as I was trying to figure out how to introduce this new blog.  I’d been drinking wine from a beer glass for awhile and was glad for the distraction. I opened my new mail: a well-lit portrait from a stranger.  Of his penis.  Strangers send me penis portraits often, so I’ve seen quite a few.  This picture was run-of-the-mill: some white guy’s long, skinny, pale erection, taken from a downward angle as he lay in bed.

Apparently, the guy had stumbled across my page through a mutual friend. Then, decided “send dick pic” would be the perfect next step.  Naturally.

In the past, I’ve just hit the “block” button and deleted the message. This time, I stopped.

What if, just what if, I could learn something from this pale penis portrait? Like, what if, just what if, this was a sign from the universe?

Here we go:

Lesson #1: Ask for what you need in the clearest way possible. Rejection is better than wasted time.

This dude was putting it all out there. There weren’t any mixed signals in what he was doing. Nobody is wondering if maybe he’s trying to make me his third wife, or wants to hire me as a back-end developer for his new non-profit organization aiding Namibian orphans.

How I’m gonna apply this lesson: I often don’t state what I really want, because I’m scared of rejection.  Most recently, I missed a revision deadline for an article on the verge of paid publication by one of my favorite magazines.  It’s a self-defeating attitude that I am desperately trying to unlearn.

Or, sometimes I “hint” at what I want because I don’t value myself enough: “Wow, it was really sweet when this one guy went down on me,” instead of, “If you don’t eat me out, I’m literally going to put my clothes on right now and find someone else.”

I should aspire to be as direct as this man.  After all:  If I hate rejection so much, I should ask for what I need.  The fastest way to getting rejected is never to give myself the chance, after all.

If I never ask for a penis-shaped cake, I probably won’t ever get one.  So I should ask, and then maybe they’ll write my name on it like this.

Lesson #2: Use your best tools. (Or. Your….. best…. tool.)

Here’s what I texted back to the dude:Has sending dick pics ever worked for you?”

(I compulsively ask questions in effort to understand situations that a normal, well-balanced person would run away from. My friends are constantly horrified at me — he’s going to axe-murder you, he’s wasting your time, block his ass, why do you even care. I don’t always care, I just obsessively think about human interaction.)

Immediately, he texted back: “Yes. It works sometimes.”

This man’s relatively-large penis was his….tool!  Whereas in real life, women might reject him based on his face — or, more probably, his personality — on FB, this guy was able to highlight his “best feature.”

How I’m gonna apply this lesson: Some of you know me from my last blog, Girl Growing Brighter, which started it as a pseudo-wellness journal.  Instead, people started to write to ask me for relationship advice, which is what I think about 99% of the time anyway.

This guy’s tools in getting laid: his big penis.  The internet.

My tools in writing a blog: that compulsion to “get” people that makes my friends both want to kill me, AND come to me for relationship perspective.

Besides, why write about green smoothies when I’d rather write about dick pics? Like is that even a choice?

Lesson 3: Don’t be afraid of vulnerability.

A little later, the guy pushed it: “You should send me a pic or let’s meet up.”

Was he taking the biggest risk in the world? Not necessarily.  I’m sure he mass-emailed a bunch of women the same photo and pickup line.

Was there zero risk involved? Also– not necessarily. He didn’t live in England or the Ukraine, where he can live anonymously away from me. We live in San Francisco. San Francisco ain’t big. We have common friends. Friends who would side with me if I were offended, no doubt. So there is some vulnerability involved.  I could take revenge or get offended, and drag him.

How I’m gonna apply this lesson:  What if, like him….. I…. exposed myself….a little more?   Without fear of offense or retribution?  But instead of exposing my genitals like him, I’m exposing more of my personal life?  Don’t get me wrong — I keep secrets safe, write ethically, and ask for permission.

But I can also afford to take more risks. I write about relationships, after all.  And shouldn’t I write about my own relationship with myself, too?

This back massager is a good example of a tool.

Okay, okay, I’m sure you’re dying to know if I had sex with this stranger on Facebook. Get ready for this shocking answer: No!

Instead, as I asked a few more questions, he backed off:  “Are you gonna send me pics or not?”  Then I tried to persuade him to talk to me on Skype, but he ghosted.  This happens a lot with dick pic senders. (Case in point for Lesson #2: If they’re sending their penis to me as an opener, their best tool is definitely not their conversational skill.)

But, as I’ll write about later in this project……. genitalia snapshots can be the gateway to many things. In this case, it’s the gateway to this blog as the coronation blog post.

Hey, friends. Thanks for being here today. Hope you come back again soon.

Love,

Elisa

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Each post is a great fucking adventure

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